Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
