I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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