If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
