she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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