when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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