her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Randomize
