i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
