why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I think my moral compass just broke
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
