The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
