i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
