They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
You Will Never Meet Anyone More Annoying Than These 23 People
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires