Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Randomize
