Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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