Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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