Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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