You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
