By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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