ADVERTISEMENT

• (248): View more from Michigan

  the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.

  Fav 15 3048 1180

  share tweet
  

• (216): View more from Ohio

  Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.

  Fav 16 1425 4937

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.

  Fav 58 3318 765

  share tweet
  

• (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.

  Fav 38 5518 1380

  share tweet
  

• (913): View more from Kansas

  My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.

  Fav 8 2237 1080

  share tweet
  

• (509): View more from Washington

  I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?

  Fav 14 1618 2341

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (678): View more from Georgia

  Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.

  Fav 18 932 2101

  share tweet
  

• (248): View more from Michigan

  Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.

  Fav 51 1312 5046

  share tweet
  

• (360): View more from Washington

  I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.

  Fav 2 1403 652

  share tweet
  

• (480): View more from Arizona

  All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.

  Fav 7 733 1325

  share tweet
  

• (212): View more from New York

  Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.

  Fav 6 677 448

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (440): View more from Ohio

  From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.

  Fav 1 702 430

  share tweet
  

• (469): View more from Texas

  Bring me that man meat

  Fav 1 530 333

  share tweet
  

• (541): View more from Oregon

  Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...

  Fav 1 57 10

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (415): View more from California

  You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.

  Fav 0 13 25

  share tweet
  

Randomize