and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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