dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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