I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
