Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
