hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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