I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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