It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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