I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
