Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
