promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
