That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
