Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
If You’re Hot, It’s Easier For You To Do These 27 Things
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.