just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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