the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
