just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
