so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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