so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
