I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
