I'm eating all of the evidence.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Please don't give away my fajitas
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
