I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Randomize
