i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
