I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You had me at "let me see your balls"
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
