yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
