do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
