I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Bring me that man meat
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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