Moan for me like Helen Keller
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
