I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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