So drunk its hurt
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Randomize
