NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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