I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
stop calling my apartment porn island.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
