do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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