We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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