remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
