The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
The dick lei will go down in squad history
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
