I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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