I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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