Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
whose ass print is on the piano?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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