So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
