Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
