Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
